Consent is Complex

Consent is a complex subject. “Yes” does not always mean yes, and “no” does not always mean no. Consent can be present in one moment and revoked the next. There is one-time consent and there is on-going blanket consent. Consent can be based on a lack of information in which case it is not consent for anything not disclosed. An altered state of mind can cause you to be unable to consent. Consent can be given in the moment or in advance. There is even such a thing as consensual non-consent.

Defining Consent

Consent is when all of the people involved in an activity authentically want to engage in that activity, are well-informed about what the activity consists of, are aware of the risks involved in that activity and how they will be mitigated, willingly give permission for the activity while in a sound state of mind and without any coercion, and retain the autonomy to revoke that permission at any time without fear of repercussions.

Everyone Must Want to Engage

If one partner wants to engage in an activity but the other does not, that is obviously not consent. Consent can only be created mutually by all the parties involved. This would include anyone who may only be watching, and not participating. Even if they are just watching you still need their consent and that consent is still only for specific activities, so you cannot do other activities in front of them which they have not agreed to watch. In the case of public exhibitionism, you must be exceptionally careful that nobody witnesses your activity who has not consented. The moment someone who has not given consent accidentally witnesses your sexual activity, you have violated their boundaries, may cause them psychological harm, and you could face legal consequences. 

Everyone Must Be Well-Informed

If permission for the activity is given, but the person giving permission was not well enough informed to know exactly what they were agreeing to, that is not consent. They have only consented at that point to that which they were informed of, not to any aspects of the activity they were not made aware of. Its best to be very specific about what the activity is. For example, agreeing to be struck with a paddle is not nearly specific enough. What type of paddle are they agreeing to be struck with – is it made of leather or is it made of wood? How hard are they agreeing to be struck? How many times are they agreeing to be struck? Where on their body are the agreeing to be struck? If the conversation did not include these details, you are setting yourself up for miscommunication and violations of consent and boundaries. If the submissive thought she was agreeing to be struck lightly on the ass with a leather paddle and instead the dominant strikes her hard on the ass with a wooden paddle, that is a major problem, and one that could and should have been avoided by thorough upfront communication.

Everyone should also be informed as to the skill level of the person delivering the spanking. Everyone has to start somewhere, and if your partner is willing to be the first to try something with you that’s great, but they do need to know that information before giving permission. Everyone also has a right to know if you have any contagious infections or diseases before they give permission. All material facts need to be disclosed so that they can be taken into consideration prior to giving permission.

Everyone Must Be Aware of the Risks and How They Will Be Mitigated

Being well informed includes being informed of the risks involved. If you do not understand the risks involved in the activity, then you are not well-informed enough to create consent. And merely being aware of the risks is not sufficient either. How the particular risks involved in the activity are going to be mitigated is part of the information that everyone has a right to know going in, and which helps inform their decision as to whether or not they want to give permission. Permission should be based on specifics, not on assumptions. If it is not discussed that the dom will have safety shears on-hand during a rope scene, the sub may just assume this to be the case, whereas it might not be. Just because something should be the case, doesn’t mean it actually is the case. If the sub had known going in that the dom had not planned to mitigate the risk in this way, she may have chosen to not give permission. Risk mitigation should always be part of the discussion.

Permission Must Be Given Willingly While in a Sound State of Mind

In BDSM time is set aside specifically for the purpose of discussing consent, and these conversations are often referred to as “negotiations”. These negotiations should only happen when all parties are in a sound state of mind, not when they are emotional, intoxicated, pre-occupied, or in an altered state such as while a little is in little space, just before a scene begins when you may be super excited and horny, or while euphoric from having just had sex.

The word “negotiation” should not imply that a person’s boundaries and consent are things that are negotiable. In reality, these “negotiations” are just a matter of having open and honest communication about what each person wants out of the relationship and the activities each person is and isn’t willing to engage in. If anything is actually being negotiated during these conversations, it should only be the dynamics of the relationship. The word “negotiation” comes into play because the terms of the relationship are often written down and referred to as a contract.

Permission Must Not Be Coerced 

Which activities a person’s is or isn’t willing to engage in is often referred to as a person’s “limits”. Limits can and often do change over time, but that is a personal decision and not one that should be coerced or negotiated. If you feel pressured to give consent for an activity you are not comfortable with, that is not healthy, that is not authentic consent, and you should give serious consideration to ending the relationship or should put sex/play on hold until this issue is resolved at a minimum.

Permission Needs to be Authentic, but it Does Not Need to be Enthusiastic

Notice that enthusiasm is not part of the definition of consent. Permission needs to be authentic and given willingly, but it does not have to be enthusiastic to create consent. There are probably going to be activities on the limits worksheet that you are not enthusiastic about, but that you are still willing to do, or at least try, for your partner because you love them. Willing permission is enough to create consent, as long as that willingness is authentic and not coerced. The person willingly giving permission might also just be a stoic individual and not really express enthusiasm well – that does not preclude them from being capable of creating consent.

Permission Must Be Revokable Without Fear of Repercussions

Permission is not something that you sign away and once you do it’s gone forever and you can never undo your decision. Permission is something that you have to give on an ongoing basis to create consent. In other words, you must be able to revoke your permission freely at any time or there is no consent created. And the moment you stop giving permission, any consent that you may have created from that permission is immediately voided.

You always have the right to be autonomous in the sense that you can always revoke your permission and void your consent. If you don’t feel like you can do so in your relationship because you are afraid of being punished for it, you are being abused, you should take back your autonomy immediately, and you should run! Likewise, if your partner claims to have no limits, and therefore no need to continually provide permission, use a safe word, or retain any autonomy whatsoever, that is not a submissive, that is a victim, unable of even understanding consent, let alone creating it, and unless you want to unwittingly become the counterpart of a victim (an abuser) you should not get into a relationship with that kind of person. Even the most hard-core amongst us have long lists of hard limits. Is this person willing to eat your shit? Is she willing to let you light her on fire? Is she willing to live in a box under your bed for the rest of her life? Because those are just a few ideas of what having no limits means. We’ve all got limits!

Safe Words are Used to Revoke Consent

In BDSM we like to use safe words to revoke consent. When the safe word is used, all activity ceases immediately, any restrains are removed, there are no negative repercussions for using the safe word, and the couple can have a conversation about why the safe word had to be used and how to avoid the same situation moving forward. A safe word can be anything you’d like it to be. A lot of people just stick with the traffic light system. “Red light” means “stop” and is the immediate end of the scene. “Yellow light” means “slow down and check in” and indicates a boundary is close to being crossed or could be some other need such as needing to use the restroom. “Green light” means “all is well, you still have consent, please continue”. If the submissive is gagged or otherwise unable to verbalize the safe word, a signal can also be used. Holding a set of keys and dropping them to mean the same thing as “red light” is one common method.  

Why Safe Words Instead of Just Saying “No”?

Saying “no” might not mean “stop” when kinky people are doing kinky shit. They may like role playing in such a way that the submissive pretends to struggle, tells the dominant to stop, tells him “it hurts”, or any number of other things that when taken literally would mean the end of the scene. Any word you might use during sex is a terrible safe word. “No” is a good example of this. Even if you don’t plan to play as described above, there are countless other scenarios where you might accidentally use the word “no”. What if the dominant asks the submissive “does that hurt” and she says “no”? What if someone says “I know”? “Don’t” is another good example. What if someone says “don’t stop”? In all of these cases consent will have been accidentally revoked by a poor choice of safe words, causing all play to stop immediately whether that wasn’t what was intended or not. “No”, “don’t” and “stop” don’t always literally mean you want play to stop, but using the safe word in any context always means “stop immediately, you no longer have my consent”.

Submissive’s Veto Power

One clause that should always be included in the contract is to address the submissive’s veto power. In a power exchange relationship, the submissive agrees to follow the dominant’s commands. There are situations though where the submissive has veto power over those commands and can rightfully refuse to obey. This always includes when the command violates one of the submissive’s limits. It could also include when the command violates a law, or when the command may endanger the submissive’s health, safety, emotional well-being, financial well-being, reputation, or other relationships. You might have other reasons when you’d like her to be able to invoke her veto power too.

What is Consensual Non-Consent?

Consensual non-consent (CNC) is a way of giving blanket consent in advance for the dominant to engage in any activity he wants with the submissive at any time as long as the activities are ones she has agreed to and all activity stays within her limits. It is a way of the submissive giving up autonomy over her own body, but always within her limits, and of course with her consent. This requires a tremendous amount of trust and is an essential element of dominance and submission. In a D/s relationship, the big idea behind the submissive spelling out all of her limits is so that the dominant is then free to dominate her as long as he stays in bounds.

What Consensual Non-Consent Isn’t

Although commonly associate with rape play, consensual non-consent is a completely separate thing from that. In rape play, there is a role play taking place where the submissive acts as if she does not want to have sex, when in actuality she does, in order to play out a fantasy. “Rape play” refers to a specific type of role play whereas “consensual non-consent” refers to a characteristic of power exchange dynamics. Consensual non-consent is a specific type of consent whereas rape play is a way of pretending to ignore consent. Those are two very different things.

Specific Uses for Consensual Non-Consent

Aside from being a definitive part of creating a D/s dynamic, there are other specific cases where CNC might also be used. It could be used when the submissive makes the decision while in a sound state of mind that she wants to have sex while she is in an altered state of mind. She may like to get drunk and fuck, and that’s ok as long as she has given this type of consent in-advance. It would be impossible for the submissive to give consent once she is already intoxicated. Another case would be that she is bratty and wants to tell the dominant “no” but then be forced to do so anyways. A case specific to DD/lg would be that she may want to be dominated and/or have sex while she is in little space. Since she is unable to create consent once she is in little space, she would have to choose to create this type of consent in advance for that to happen.