Power Exchange

Dominance and submission is all about power exchange. Power exchange is simply about the giving and receiving of power within the relationship. The power in a power exchange relationship is intentionally imbalanced. The sub wants to have less power and the dom wants to have more power, in order to achieve a mutual goal. This intentional imbalance of power is motivated by a desire to meet the physical and emotional needs of both partners and is done from a place of love and trust. Being dominant and being submissive, within the context of BDSM, are deliberate decisions made within a loving relationship.

Mutual Empowerment

Power exchange is typically described as a relationship dynamic where the submissive partner gives up power to the dominant partner. But this exchange of power is not linear in nature. It’s not a situation where the submissive hands power over to the dominant and the dominant simply keeps it and uses it strictly for their own benefit. Instead, power exchange has a circular flow. I prefer to think of it as mutual empowerment.

This type of relationship works best if the dominant partner is naturally dominant, and the submissive partner is naturally submissive. If the submissive partner is naturally submissive, she is not really giving up on being dominant, she just isn’t dominant. Instead, she is really just empowering the dominant partner to be his naturally dominant self by trusting him to lead the relationship. In exchange, the dominant partner also empowers her to be her naturally submissive self by leading the relationship in a healthy way so that she does not have to do so and can continue to place such trust in him. Each partner is empowering and caring for the other, but are doing so from two different perspectives, one from their masculine/dominant energy and one from their feminine/submissive energy.

The Dominant Side of Power Exchange

Being dominant is about receiving power, which is willingly given by the submissive, and using that power in an agreed upon way to care for the submissive. Wielding such power is a tremendous responsibility, and not something to be taken lightly. The dominant must use that power for the benefit of both partners, not for their own selfish reasons. The ways that the dominant can use this power are carefully thought out and agreed upon in advance. The dominant knows exactly where the submissive’s boundaries are because a great deal of time is devoted to communicating about and documenting those boundaries.

The Submissive Side of Power Exchange

Being submissive is about loving and trusting another person enough that you can give them this power. It’s about purposefully letting go of power in order to be free from that responsibility, and not having to lead or make decisions. It is about deriving pleasure from serving and bringing pleasure to another person.

What D/s Isn’t

Let’s talk about what dominance and submission isn’t. It is not abusive. Being dominant is not about stripping any rights from the submissive or abusing the submissive in any way. Being submissive is not about being weak, being taken advantage of, or being abused. Being submissive is not something that is forced or coerced. The dom is not more important than, greater than, or better than the sub in the relationship.