In Healthy Relationships, Boundaries are Always Respected

A huge Part of any health relationships is respecting each other’s boundaries. An enormous amount of emphasis is placed on this concept in the BDSM community. We can be incredibly detailed and specific about what we like and don’t like, and we do not have any tolerance for those who fail to respect boundaries. Time is set aside frequently just to review and discuss each other’s boundaries. The first time this conversation is had should be before any kinky or sexual activity ever takes place.

Establishing Your Limits

The information discussed in these conversations is often carefully documented on a limits worksheet. This worksheet lists every activity the couple can think of or that they may be into. Sometimes only the submissive’s boundaries are documented, since the dominant is the one who is in control of the scene and has to be the most careful not to violate her boundaries. But both dominants and submissives have boundaries, and it’s good for each side to fully understand where the other’s boundaries are, so it’s actually very good for both to document their limits. You could document both on the same worksheet, rather than on separate worksheets, for easier comparison. This worksheet should be revisited frequently and kept updated.

Opting In vs Opting Out

There are two ways of going about establishing your boundaries, the opt in method, and the opt out method. With the opt in method you would list all the activities you are willing to do, and if something is not listed then it is considered off-limits until it is added to the list. With the opt out method you would list all the activities you are unwilling to do (your “hard limits”) or that you are placing some sort of restrictions on (our “soft limits”). With the opt out method, anything not listed as a limit would be fair game for the dom to include in the scene.

The risk of the opt out method is that you likely have limits that you haven’t thought of or written down, and its impossible to think about every possible thing you might not want to do. The opt out method is a form of consensual non-consent. You are essentially providing blanket consenting to everything, even many activities you may not be aware of, except for those you’ve listed as limits. As a result you may find that your unknown limits get crossed, and that is how you discover you have those limits – after they have already been violated.

The opt in method avoids this problem by instead always requiring explicit consent. That can still be an upfront blanket form of consent, that is why we use limits worksheets, but that consent is only for the activities you have specifically agreed to, and nothing more. With the opt in method, before introducing any new activity that hasn’t already been discussed, you would add it to the list and discuss it with your partner so as to not accidentally violate their boundaries.

Identifying Activities You Both Love

A limits worksheet can help you identify things that you and your partner both love. Activities you have both marked off as something you love doing will be the most mutually enjoyable. In a D/s relationship, anything that is not outside the submissive’s limits is fair game for the dominant to include in a scene at any time.  Anything the submissive loves would obviously be included in that list of acceptable activities.

Identifying Activities the Submissive Doesn’t Love But is Willing to Do

Activities can also be permitted by the submissive even if the submissive doesn’t love doing them. Instead of indicating she loves it, she could instead indicate she is willing. She allows these things not because she’s into them, but because she knows he is and it pleases her to make him happy. The dominant is also allowed to do these things at any time, but should be mindful of the fact that the submissive does not love doing these things. He may want to include these activities less frequently than the things the submissive also loves.

Activities the Submissive is Unsure About

There will probably be some things on the list that the submissive is unsure about. Afterall, there is a seemingly endless list of different kinky and sexual activities to choose from, so there are bound to be things you haven’t considered and may not have even heard of before. If the submissive indicates she is unsure about a particular activity, then it will require further communication, research, demonstration, and consideration. These things can be revisited more at a later time and should not be included in a scene until the submissive can later make a more informed decision and moves the activity to a “love it” or “willing” status.

Soft Limits

A soft limit means that someone is not completely unwilling to take part in an activity, but they are placing certain conditions on it. If a submissive has indicated something is a soft limit, an explanation of those conditions is necessary and should be noted. It may be something she isn’t willing to do very often, and the dom may need to check in with her to make sure its ok before the start of the scene. Or it may just have to be done in a certain way to avoid certain aspects of the activity that are outside her limits.

Hard Limits

A hard limit is something a person is never willing to do under any circumstances. The dominant must be keenly aware of his submissive’s hard limits so that he does not violate them. Its good to review your hard limits from time-to-time too because they can change. It works the other direction too – you could like something today and then decide later that you are no longer willing to do it. Its ok to adjust your limits as long as you’re being honest with yourself and with your partner about what you do and don’t want.

Topping From the Bottom Violates the Dominant’s Limits

It’s not always the case, but often times the dominant may be into and want more things than the submissive is willing or able to give. In this sense, the submissive partner does have the power to restrict a lot of activity the dom would like to see included. Because of this, it’s often commented that the submissive partner holds greater power in the relationship, but really it’s just a matter of the submissive carefully spelling out her limits and the dominant respecting those limits. That’s not about exercising power, its merely about establishing where each partner’s limits are. The submissive absolutely should not be adjusting her limits in order to manipulate, control or punish her dominant.  It is not her place to subtly exercise control that is supposed to belong to the dominant. Doing so is known as “topping from the bottom”. Although less talked about, Dominants have limits too and topping from the bottom is always one of them because it not only undermines the dominant, but violates the ground rules of the relationship

Pushing limits

There will probably be some activities that you are unfamiliar with, or that you want to try but are nervous about and may have marked as soft limits. A good dom should help you learn and explore. He doesn’t have to know everything about everything, it cold be a matter of learning and exploring with you more so than strictly helping you do so. In either case, through learning more about an activity and slowly easing in to trying new things, you may find that things that were limits before no longer are. This process is known as “pushing your limits”.

When it comes to pushing limits, just remember that your limits are your limits and nobody else gets to change them. Setting your limits is an introspective process, and nobody should be pushing you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Even more importantly, your limits should be honored and should never be ignored or violated. That is not at all what is meant by “pushing your limits”. Pushing your limits is something you personally decide on and that your partner supports you and helps you with, not something someone else decides for you or insists that you do.