Everyone Has Rules, Written or Not

BDSM relationships often involve written rules. Actually, all relationships have rules, it’s just that outside of BDSM they tend to not be written down. For example, if the husband or wife in a vanilla relationship were to leave the house without saying anything to the other, without the other knowing where they were going or when they’d be back, and without giving the other a goodbye kiss, that would almost always be a violation of multiple rules and not go very well in any relationship. Things just tend to be more formalized in BDSM relationships. There is a very strong focus on communication, and we use tools such as written contracts, written rules, and limits worksheets to help facilitate and document that communication.

Rules Are Created by Mutual Consent

Rules are decided on together, not dictated to the submissive by the dominant. Just as with contract negotiation and discussing each other’s limits, time to discuss rules should be set aside specifically for that process. They should never be negotiated during a scene, while one or both partners are intoxicated, while one or more partners are emotional, or while a little is in little space. The idea is that all contracts and rules are entered into on free will and while in a sound state of mind.

Rules Should Be Meaningful

Before creating a rule, you should ask yourselves “what is the purpose of this rule?”. A rule should not be created just because it sounds good or because you’ve heard other people have that rule or because you think this is what your type of dynamic often entails. Rules should be specific to your own relationship and should be created with purpose. That purpose could be to re-enforce the dynamic, could be for the benefit of the little, could promote personal growth, could help build healthy habits, could fulfil a kinky need, or may be for some other meaningful purpose. What’s important is that it does in fact have a meaningful purpose.

Rules Not Followed or Enforced are Counterproductive

You should not have so many rules or such complex or restrictive rules that you create a situation where the submissive is unable to follow them and the dominant is unable to enforce them. Doing so is not only pointless but is counterproductive and damaging to the power exchange dynamic which is a fundamental part of the relationship. Do not set yourself up for failure by creating rules that cause both partners to fail in their obligations to the other. Especially if you’re new to BDSM or are in a new relationship, it’s much better to start out with a few simple rules you can easily follow and enforce, and once those rules have become habit you can always add more later. If the dominant has lots and lots of rules from day one to the point that the submissive cannot easily remember them and follow them, that’s not a good strategy, and it a bit of a red flag.